In search of certainty

I have a feeling that won’t go away.  I have a feeling of certainty that whatever I set my intentions on I will have.  It is scary to feel certain.  The depth of certainty is what scares me.  It is not just a hope that  things will work out the way I envision them, but rather a knowledge that what I have envisioned has already happened.

For years, I fought this certainty ignoring it, forcing myself to doubt what I knew.  My reasoning was I did not want to be different.  I did not want to be labeled a freak or weird, but the truth is by denying who I am, is freaky.  A freak that blended in with the rest of freaks.  All afraid of being who we are.  I was so afraid of revealing the real me that I did the opposite of what I knew to do.  I directed my intentions but deep down I was certain of something beyond me that I refused to acknowledge. I would rather fail, than submit to the depth I call certainty.  Telling the truth became a lie.  The certainty was my enemy and I fought for my freedom.  I turned to idols looking for something to speak over what I knew within.  Nothing.  It was all in my head.  I spoke but the words could not penetrate certainty.

Then one day, I was tired of fighting.  I was tired of fear, so I surrendered to the depth of certainty and found a friend.  One that did not judge my actions but celebrated them.  A friend that listened.  A friend that cared.  Certainty was not what I expected. I thought it would be forceful and unyielding but it is gentle and pliable.  I set my intentions and certainty insures them.  Relieving my fears and doubts and inspiring my actions.  Whatever I set my intentions on will happen. I rest because I am certain of it.

Hitting the wall and finding Love

For years, I thrived being the center of attention.  I had friends, I was invited to all the social gatherings.  Though I was popular and had more than enough attention I felt empty.  It is like having 1000 facebook friends but no one knows who you are beyond your profile picture.  A profile photo that reflected who I was, not who I am.  I felt trapped in relationships that were clearly defined and expectations were verbalized.  I did things not because I wanted to, but to be accepted and fit in. Though I was not happy, I smiled.  I reflected an image that was perfect and whole though alone I felt imperfect and empty.  Driven by the need to be loved, I rejected unconditional love.  Then I hit the wall.

Are you familiar with the wall?  The wall is the place where you realize you can’t move forward in the state you have been.  The wall causes you to turn away from others and look within yourself.  What I realized when I hit the wall is what I have been looking for was not found in others but within me. A Love no longer defined by my performance, I stopped performing.  I stopped obligating myself to do what was expected of me.  I stopped trying to fit in and though I am no longer popular, I know love. Regardless if you like me does not determine if I am loved.  The pressure has been lifted, I am free to be loved and to love.

You see, every structure has a wall. Walls limit, love extends.  I am not meant to fit in, I am meant to stand out.  Love does not worry if it is accepted, it simply loves. I want to structure my life around love, for in love there are no limits to who I can be.

The death of E’yen…

by the time you read this, you will have heard my story, one that is filled with ups and downs, the pain I experienced, as well as the glory.

may your time be filled with love, that you see the truth, the end is, that does not exempt you from living.

challenge fear not with courage but with perseverance.

as I die, I leave to leave, escape is not an option, so why hide, this is the end, I won’t fight.

what legacy will you remember, to you that I surrender, your view, well your perspective,

the illusion of existence, is that of pride, you were born to live, I have chosen to die.

As I lay still, I feel your wonder, invisible friend, take my soul, to the ocean I return, now I am whole.






Born in,

I sin,


to never win,


the truth,

more like

the lie,

how many ants have to die,


buried in a sea of signs,

the picket becomes the line,


I apologize for the sins of our father,

the king,

that never was,


I protest.


standing in the place of mercy,


I execute,


holding the needle,


I poison,


the lives of all that yield,


this is the future,

don’t lose sight,


your role,


to fight all that are different,

to convince the world of its end,

to never let love win,


your role,


so vital to the plan


your title


A Protest ant


Don’t worry

we will combine the two

injecting pride,

history will be erased,

more like

replaced and encased,


Look up to your master,

fill the wood,

feel the hole,

numb your soul,


Don’t worry

Pro test ants

you will find your place

building your home

only to be stomped into space,


Oh sorry to be so blunt,

but the lie has to stop,


the masks,

are without remissions

the Blood,

does not cause division,


what are you sipping,


dip into this cup,

giving way to a new day,


no longer a product

the idea is sold,


the old is folded in three,

as the new releases.. see,



no longer separate,

the signs fall,

as all players are ejected,

hearts call,


no more fists

the hands join,

lifted to the Son

the will of the Father,

has become one.

5 Minutes a Day – Total Body Workout

Originally posted on My Healthy Start:

5 Minutes a Day Workout series

Total Body Workout (Equipment needed: hand weights, timer)

Before you start any workout, it is important to warm-up & stretch.


Jog in place (30 seconds) Jumping Jacks (30 seconds) 

5 minute Workout

Squats (30 seconds), tumblr_m0nmxhGWer1qcmrp8Squat pulses (20 seconds) fitness_squatpulse1Rest (10 seconds)

Push-ups (30 seconds), 1006-pushupHold High Plank Position (20 seconds), 113694-400x265-Yoga_plank_positionRest (10 seconds)

Crunches (30 seconds), ex_crunchesBicycle Crunches (20 seconds), bicycle-crunches-exercise2Rest (10 seconds)

Bicep Curls (30 seconds), bicep curlTricep Curls (20 seconds), tricepsRest (10 seconds)

Alternating Lunges (60 seconds) lunges


1 minute stretch


Have a great day.

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